we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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