so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
