P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
