Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
