is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
