Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She told me I should be a condom model.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
