I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
