I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
