discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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