Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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