nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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