Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
