Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
