In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
