Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
we should paint friendship bongs
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
