My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
