I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
