you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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