did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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