I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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