bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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