you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
