i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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