I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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