i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
