im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
