I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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