wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
