God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
In other news, I just burned my penis
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
