My brain says no but my pants say off.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
