If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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