let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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