i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
