It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
