My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
