You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
