the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She told me I should be a condom model.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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