Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
