The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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