don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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