It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Randomize
