by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
