I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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