he referred to my room as the tit cave...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
