I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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