I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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