WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
