You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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