like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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