You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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